My side of the desk: Change and Community—Showing up with no filters

Sometimes when I am talking with a client, I’m reminded of a time I dealt with a similar situation on a personal level. Afterward, I find myself reflecting on that situation. Occasionally, it brings a new perspective, or maybe a gentler view of myself. Below I write about one of those times—but first a little background about sawubona, a Zulu term which literally means, “I see you.”

A couple of years ago, I attended a group with Sophia, my favorite social worker colleague. She opened with “Susan, I see you,” starting a discussion about being seen and heard for who we really are.  Often when I ask folks if they have a community to support their efforts to transform into who they want to be, I hear stories of the cheerleaders and problem-solvers they are surrounded by. These people are important, but they can often leave us feeling unnourished as we may strive to meet our own too-high goals or others’ expectations.  Sophia’s “I see you” statement is used by a different kind of community. A community “that recognizes my worth, dignity, strengths, weaknesses, my pain—my True Self.” (1)  Sophia was practicing, and showing me, how “sawubona” works.  Psychologists call it being a Witness--someone who makes sure your “True Self” is heard and seen, not the self you might think others want to see or hear. 

Here is a story of when a dear friend showed up as my Witness:

“There are some things you shouldn’t do alone,” said a close friend, looking at me like I had broken a big rule. What? Huh? I was 40 years old and had just been diagnosed with Stage 1 Breast Cancer. The prognosis was good, but the diagnosis and treatment at that time was long and laborious. Medical care was scattered across the city as treatment centers hadn’t yet been invented, requiring coordination of work, family life, doctor appointments and medical tests.

I was tackling the whole thing like one more to-do list. Checking off my scary, onerous to-do list, while coordinating my medical team. My healthcare became one more thing to manage. And that is when my friend asked me to sit still for a few moments with an invitation to just be. Those few moments with her would remind me that I was more than a wife, stepmom, and department director. I was a woman confronting a life-threatening disease alone, making decisions about treatment that would follow me, for the rest of my life. It wasn’t an issue of needing help from others. It was about the busyness of the solitary journey I had created, which allowed me to gloss over the time, energy and (a term I think speaks volumes) the emotional cost of living.

In that moment, my friend was inviting me to see myself with no filters and deal honestly with all that was going on. And she was reminding me I didn’t have to do it alone. There was at least one person who would let me be my True Self during hard times, which brings us back to the importance of sawubona in our lives—To be seen for our true selves is a priceless gift.

Reflection

Reflect for a moment on who in your community or circle of friends allows you to show up with no filters?  

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For more information about: Sawubona